Some of you know that I have been trying to forward out the information I am getting on a daily basis through my work environment, and this morning started off as no exception… however, when I opened my email I had received a surprising attack.
I understand that people have conflicted views time when there are not black and white solutions as to who is to blame, but what really cut me was the need for this individual to personally attack me on subjects completely unrelated to this conflict in an effort to help me ‘keep my shallow, one-sided opinions to myself’. I have spent so much time here advocating our freedom of expression in Canada, I had almost bought it myself – suddenly, the narrow mindedness of some I have left behind long before I got on the plane to come here came rushing back like an angry wave washing over me.
I would like to say that I was immediately objective, and that I tried to understand that there are two sides to every issue, but I wasn’t. My first instinct was to retaliate somehow, to hurt him as he had hurt me… and this is from two people who are the furthest thing from involved in this conflict. Hatred is the tool that cuts the deepest, no matter who it is wielded against, and it is never justified. War creates an us and them mentality that is just as powerful as the media we all agree can be a filter; when people look at how you are expressing your opinions and immediately judge whether or not you are ‘with them, or against them’, it catalyzes the gaps and fissures that divide us all.
One of my favorite blogs here,the Black Iris, recently posted this, and I echo his sentiments; not only because I want to articulate the feeling he is expressing, but because I am so saddened by this recent retaliation from my own ‘home turf’, a place I have been so proud to call home, especially over that past few weeks:
“It’s almost impossible to talk about anything except Gaza these days. That’s not an understatement. It simply feels like the reality of the situation is so imposing on our lives that I can hardly open a newspaper or surf the local and regional blogosphere without reading about Gaza. It’s on the tip of every tongue I encounter. It is on the screen of every place you venture in to; even the waiting room of a Doctor’s office. The crisis has taken over our lives for the past two weeks. It has had the overwhelming ability to change moods and mindsets, leaving only one tone, one color to reign over our lives. It is incredibly difficult to talk about absolutely anything other than Gaza and not sound at best out-of-touch, or at worst, apathetic.
I cannot write a post about anything on this blog except Gaza. Eventually, I know that will change as time goes by. But right now, that’s the reality. And it’s not out of fear of sounding out-of-touch, but really the change in mood. I honestly don’t feel like writing anything about anything except this topic. I’m not even sure a non-Gaza related momentous event happening right in my own backyard, Amman, would capture my attention or interest at this point.
I am glued to Al-Jazeera and the Web, floating back and forth. The first thing on my mind in the morning is the urge to be updated, and I reluctantly go to bed to the sound of news reports and horrible visuals.
And the reason I am writing this very post is simply because I have nothing else to talk about. I sat here, searching for topics and there is certainly a flurry of local news to pick from, but my mind simply will not let me. I don’t remember ever being dominated by such an event in my lifetime thus far.“
I want to say that this is how I feel – yes, the emails and accounts I am receiving are tilted towards the Palestinian side, but it is because there IS a humanitarian crisis there. No matter how you feel about the political philosophies behind this war (believe me, everyone here echoes the fact that it is all shades of grey when you are speaking with them one on one), it is the people I am sad and ache for. They are trapped in a country they have fought so hard for as they called it home for so many years, but now cannot escape.
I can’t deny, though, that I will be keeping my opinion to this forum from this moment on. My emailing information dissemination campaign has come to an end – not just because of this, but also because I have realized the futility of my actions.
I have been underestimating you all – junking up the mailboxes of people who can access the information they want, when they want to – including this page. It is not up to me to tell any one what to read or believe, the people I care about are smart enough to search for the truth.
I will be volunteering my time to sort the aid packages necessary for Gaza because its the only thing tangible I can do – the ones they are letting through for now. Don’t believe what you hear on TV either – Jordanians did not fire on Israel – most here believe it is an excuse for Israel to stop the very restricted aid coming from Jordan to Gaza altogether.
I don’t know what else to tell you. I know, I promised a post describing our experiences in Aqaba, I have been enjoying work… we even had a brief housing crisis that had me contemplating utilizing the good fortune of gay married people from BC (scanning their marriage certificates proudly in high resolution) in an effort to substantiate our claim of marriage to those here who need proof of commitment to rent you an apartment….
Of course there are times of joy and happiness still – life goes on here as anywhere. The people I am surrounded by participate with me in all the layers of hope, happiness, apathy and heart ache – and yes, sometimes it is easy to forget what is going on right beside us, especially in my bubble of english information cuttting through the Arabic haze. But then I come to work and get these emails:
“Dear all,
Thank you for your concerns about the situation here in Gaza, and about my own safety. Currently the situation is still as bad (and even worse) than what appears in the media. The whole population is in shock, and still there is no safe place. The electricity is off for more than 20 hours per day. In Gaza city itself, no electricity since two weeks. With the continuous destruction of civilian houses and building by the F16 and Helicopters no one is sure that he will live another day. The news of collecting people in houses, and then demolishing them, and the news of air strikes on the schools that became shelters for the families are intensifying the horror among the population. We do not know what will happen next… and it seems that things will get worse..
As any other Palestinian, I was waiting for the decision of the UN. Today the decision saw the light, but the war continuous. Both sides considered that the UN call is not enough. Israel says that it wants guarantees that there will be no missiles from Gaza, and Hamas wants guarantees that the siege will end, and that there will be no attacks on Gaza. During the last two weeks over 700 civilian Palestinians were killed, at least 400 of them are women and children. Over 2300 were injured. I do not know how many people should die, till seize fire is achieved.
Many of us think that we are going to die one way or the other. For the last two months cooking gas was not allowed to come to Gaza. Electricity plant fuel was not allowed to enter two. Flour is very limited and its absent in the market since December. People are living as in the 30s and 40s of the last century. Many of us, also think that the only safe place, is the place were we will all go to … the cemetery.
With time we continue to find out the brutality of the Israeli army, and soon the whole world will discover things that no one imagined to happen, also as any other Palestinian.. I hope that the world is going one day to open its eyes.
Perhaps, I should apologize for this traumatizing e-mail,,, but I kept waiting for days before coming to this Internet coffee which has a generator. I was waiting that things would improve.. I was waiting that I could tell you that everything is over, and that we are safe and sound… Unfortunately time passes, and I can not write anything of that…”
- Yasser [Jamei, a dear collegue of my supervisor]
Or, worse:
“Dear Colleagues,
I am deeply saddened to inform you of the passing of our dear staff member Mohammed Samouni. We mourn the loss of Mohammed who was a worker for CARE’s food distribution project in Gaza, and was killed two nights ago in an aerial bombing. The attack on the Samouni family left many family members killed or injured including his son who was also critically injured.
Gazais one of the most densely populated areas in the world. Borders are closed and there is nowhere safe for civilians to flee. Mohammed was dedicated to providing aid to Palestinians. His commitment to CARE’s vision for a better world will be greatly missed.
Samouni worked at one of the packing stations managed by CARE’s partner, General Union of Palestinian Peasants, on CARE’s Gaza Fresh Food Project, funded by the European Commission Humanitarian Aid Office (ECHO). The project delivers fresh fruit and vegetables to 60,000 people, hospitals and orphanages a week. Since the attacks started December 27, CARE has only been able to deliver food twice. The people who normally receive distributions from CARE have no other source of fresh food.
Our sincere condolences go out to Mohammed’s family. His passing and the other lives that were lost in this tragic event is a great loss to us all. We hope that his son makes a full recovery. We will honor his memory by lighting a candle in the lobby of our Atlanta office.
Please keep our colleagues in West Bank Gaza in your thoughts and prayers during this very difficult time.”
- Steve [Hollingworth, Cheif Operating Officer, CARE]
It is very hard to not want to get the messages out, but as I said… I will be limiting it to the space where people can read it if they are willing, rather than trying to share my experiences with those who aren’t prepared to accept the legitimacy of my experiences here. Yes, I am in an Arabic country, but I am a liberal person. I will go to the fundraisers, and talk to my coworkers who are trying to get their families out of Gaza, and I will do my best to try and reflect my impressions to the many who support my quest for understanding based on information and not on judgement.
Thank you all so much for keeping me in your thoughts.
For a message of hope that many of my co-workers took great happiness in (and were surprised an American would express such an opinion): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dlfhoU66s4Y